13th
If Batman Carried a Gun…
Lt. James Gordon stands beside the bat signal light atop the roof of police headquarters on a dark, cloudy night.
Gordon: Ready for another dangerous night, Batman? I hear the Joker’s plotting to rob Gotham’s First National Bank.
Batman: Eh, no that’s just a rumor. I actually shot the Joker three nights ago.
Gordon: I also hear Two-Face is—wait, what?
Batman: Shot him. Three slugs in the chest, and one in the face for good measure.
Batman raises a .357 in the air and waves it around.
Gordon: I thought you didn’t—
Batman: Use guns? Yeah, well, it occurred to me that guns are far more convenient than batarangs and grappling hooks. Not to mention gas pellets. I mean, what am I? A crime fighter or some kind of gay-ass magician?
Gordon: I see…and Two-Face?
Batman: Snipered him from a roof last night. Brains splattered everywhere. Never even saw it coming.
Gordon: Penguin?
Batman: Shot. With bird shot, no less.
Gordon: Scarecrow?
Batman: Shot.
Gordon: Killer Cro-
Batman: Shot.
Gordon: Poison Iv-
Batman: Shot.
Gordon: The Riddler?
Batman just turns and nods.
Gordon: Well then. Uh, let’s see…coffee, maybe?
Batman: Actually, I’m gonna turn in for the night. See if I can catch The Office.
Gordon: Will we see you around anymore?
Batman: Don’t know. I’m thinking of heading over to Central City, maybe giving Flash a hand. I hear’s he fighting a guy now who throws boomerangs. Yeah, boomerangs. He’s so shot.
Gordon: Alrighty. Um…you will help me dismantle this giant bat signal then, won’t you? It’s kinda heavy and—
Gordon turns to see Batman’s disappeared into the night.
